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Read funny stories about the daily experiences and misfortunes of people
MLIW
MLIA
TFLN
FML
Today, I was in the band room at my high school. Someone threw a pancake at me.
(914): He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
(603): Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML
(202): I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
(860): I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
(918): She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Today, I learned that there is a town in Worcester, England, that claims to be the most accident-prone street in the world. (The actual name of the town is Accident Prone Street.) To prevent the residents from hurting themselves, the insurance companies covered the entire street in bubble wrap. I really want to move there! MLIA
(916): ............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help.
(309): Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My friend recently got into our school jazz choir. Apparently she had called her mom and said calmly, "I got in." Her mom then proceeded to scream, and when asked about it, shouted, "My daughter got into jazz choir!" She was in the middle of a meeting. MLIA
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML
Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML
Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML
Yesterday as I was walking in New York City, I thought I saw Daniel Radcliffe walking towards me. Instinctively, I looked at his forehead to confirm the presence of the lightning-bolt scar to make sure it was really him. It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized that he doesn't have the scar in real life. MLIA
Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML
Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML
Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML
Today I was playing the iPod Shuffle game. I thought it would be funny to ask my iPod "Who am I?" It's response? Barbra Streisand. I now feel so much better about myself. MLIA
Today I was playing tennis with my sister. We got bored of the same old game and so decided to mix it up a little. Instead of using the net to hit the ball over we played by hitting the ball over and back to each other over the house. OLAA.
Today, well this week, it's the last week of school so of course, it's SENIOR PRANK WEEK! I was walking down the hall to lunch with my friends and we hear these weird noises getting louder. Out of nowhere, a white ball rolls by and a giant Pacman ran by barking being chased by two giant ghosts. Best walk to lunch EVER. MLIA
Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML
Today, my family got a new chair for our living room. While everyone was marveling over the new comfy chair, I was jumping up and down deciding what I was going to do with the big box it came in. MLIA
Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML
Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML
Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I remembered it was paper. FML
(914): He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
(718): Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
(334): You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
(205): Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
(+44): Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed.
