(434): Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night.
(647): Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm.
Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML
(416): Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding.
Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML
(425): But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture.
(214): WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO.
(479): Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
(775): I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
(1-775): So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Today, at work, my boss made go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML
Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML
Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML
Today, I was notified that the company did not give me a raise two months ago like I thought. The increase was a typo. Two months ago I wrote a thank you for the raise email to my boss. Now I get to write a check to the company to pay back my "raise." FML
Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML
Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML
Today, I walked in my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML
Today, my fiancé and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML
Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
(651): Well I just put wine in my tea.
(615): Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
(541): People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
(214): In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
(678): The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny.
(760): I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
(951): Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped.
(405): Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on.
(+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML