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Read funny stories about the daily experiences and misfortunes of people
MLIW
MLIA
TFLN
FML
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML
Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML
Today, it was my birthday, and I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "happy birthday" before they left. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Yesterday in the elevator at Macy's, I saw a mother teaching her daughter to growl viciously while she ate her ice-cream. Best. Mother. Ever. "RRRNOMGRHRNOM!" MLIA
Today, my dad walked in on me reading MLIA while I was supposed to be doing homework. He takes one glance at my computer screen, nods, then says "I knew I raised you right." and walks off. HLIA
Today, I drew 12 different dinosaurs and had a few my friends take some to each of their classes and tape it to the bottom of the desks. So, students of Musselman High School, the search is on. MLIA
Today, I put in my old Lord of The Rings VHS and noticed that when the green background rating thing came on it said "Lord of The Rings is rated PG-13 for epic battle scenes".... Why don't ratings say things like that nowdays?( LTR's) LIA
Today I went to MysterySeeker and my mission was to eat at least 15% of a pig. I did a bit of math, and 15% of a pig is equal to slightly over 340 pieces of bacon. Best. Mission. Ever. MLIA
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML
Today, my wife and I were folding laundry, when I came across a lacy thong. I winked at her and said, "I've never seen you in these." She responded, "They're your daughter's." FML
Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML
Today, in the middle of my English class, five guys walked in. Four of them were dressed as the ghosts from pacman, and the other guy as pacman itself. They walked between every desk, playing the pacman song on an iPod. The teacher then proceeded to play pacman for the rest of class and projected it on the wall. DAY. MADE. MLIA
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
(541): I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
(540): Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
(570): I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
(216): Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
(616): What changed your mind?
(1-616): Being sober.
(303): I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
(1-303): You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
(850): No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview.
(262): Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that.
(212): Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
(601): When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
(616): He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
(423): I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
(1-423): Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home.
(303): ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or.
(607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
(315): I get naked cuz your not there.
Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML
