Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML
(479): I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
(814): If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
(810): Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra.
(479): He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security.
Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML
Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML
Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML
Today, I was at Starbucks getting my usual morning coffee. When the barista asked me what name I wanted on the cup, I said 'Primrose Everdeen' for a laugh. When they called out my order, a stranger yelled, "I volunteer as tribute", walked up to the counter, took my coffee, and left. FML
Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn't pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML
Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML
Last night, on the midnight shift at my job at McDonald's, a man came through the drive through and wanted two caramel frappes. When he came to my window, he paid me, and then tipped me. My tip? A taco. Easily made my night. MLIA
Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked it I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML
Today, I was out on a family walk, when I overheard two women talking to each other. One of them was wondering how a kid with such good looking parents and grandparents could be so ugly. That kid is my daughter. FML
Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML
(434): I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
(434): then apparently I went "not bad" and continued.
(425): You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
(313): We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to.
(630): like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
(902): Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party.
(785): There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML
Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML
(412): I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
(530): im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
(336): Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem".
(561): But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain.
(386): make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions.
(732): The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.