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Read funny stories about the daily experiences and misfortunes of people
MLIW
MLIG
MLIA
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FML
(210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML
(401): after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML
Today, I had one of those "Honk if you like _____" bumper stickers on my car. I was texting on my cell phone when I heard some honking. Thinking how fun the bumper sticker was, I then realized I was actually going the wrong way down a one way street. FML
Recently, I've read stories about people's birthdays being on cool holidays. I decided to look up what holiday I was born on. I'm not sure how I feel about being born on The International Day of Disabled Persons. MLIA
Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold…MLIA
Today i was reading the warnings on my coffee pot. the last warning read "do not hold above people" i had the strongest urge to go hold it above my sister, but somehow knew it would end badly. thank you for warning me Mr. Coffee. MLIA
Today, when i was at my job as a lifeguard a little boy and his friend were jumping into the pool when one of them started crying. I went over to make sure he was alright, expecting him to tell me what he hurt all that came out of his mouth was "I couldn't jump like spider-man!" I'm so glad I'm now aware of the issues our future generation will have. MLIA.
Today, my friend and I got Sobe drinks. We waited until they were empty to read the lids, since it's bad luck not to. His said "Smarter not harder" and mine said "That what she said". MLIA
Today, as I was driving my sister and her friend around. My sister's friend rolled down the window and yelled out "Sir. you dropped your placenta!" The man looked down. MLIA
Today I read that in Utah it is illegal to hunt whales. There are no oceans even remotely near Utah. MLIA.
Today, I was in physics class. We were doing our work, and my teacher was having a conversation with the science teacher. My teacher asked the other teacher why he didn't teach an A.P. class. The science teacher replied, 'I don't know, I guess I just don't have A.P.-ness.' It took him about a minute to figure out why we were all laughing.
Today, I was over at a friend's house. I guess she never mentioned to her mom that she had been teaching me Chinese because I understood her mom perfectly when she said "I thought I told you not to bring that b**** over anymore." FML
Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend an expensive chihuahua puppy because she was never allowed to have one as a kid. She was so excited and happy so she leaned in to give it a kiss. It bit her in the face, she had to get stitches, and they put the $500 dog to sleep. FML
Today I was listening to the radio. When I turned it on, Alejandro by Lady Gaga was on, so I changed the station and the same song was on. I continued changing the station 5 times until i gave up. Lady Gaga has taken over the world, no doubt. MLIA.
Today, it was bright outside, so when I got out of my car, I sneezed. I scared a raven who had been eating a piece of bread on the ground and I felt bad. He looked annoyed, so I apologized. He then went back to eating his bread. I felt better. MLIA
Today, I was on my way back from my vacation in Disney. My mum had told me to text her when I got home, so when I finally got there I sent her a text that said, "Home!" My mum's response? "Where are you?" MLIA.
Today, I was using my sister's 64 pack of crayons. I was debating whether to use magenta or melon when i noticed something strange; on the melon crayon, 'melon' was written in three different languages. Magenta, however, was only written in one language, English. I spent the next ten minutes checking every crayon in the box to find that magenta is the only crayon in one language. MLIA
Today, me and my brother were at home. He was on the computer, so I checked what he was looking at. I was expecting facebook, or myspace. But he was on Webkinz. He's turning 18 in 9 days.
When i was four, my mom was pregnant with my little brother. She brought me along to one of her scan and check ups. Being four, I stayed real quiet for the whole thing, just watching the doctor. When he was done, the doctor asked if we had any questions. My question? "Why do you have so much hair up your nose?"... way to be, little me. MLIA
A few days ago at my sisters graduation party I sat on the steps with a 8,7,and 5 year old. We ended up talking about the Beatles,Harry Potter,Avatar the Last Airbender,and Pokemon. Now they want me to be their babysitter. MLIA.
Yesterday, I was at Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, an amusement park and water park by my house, with a friend. The waterpark closes at 7, so at 6:58 they blasted the song Closing Time by Semisonic and when that song ended they played Leave, Get Out by JoJo. My friend and I couldn’t stop laughing. MLIA
Today my mom told me a story about my aunt. She had just had an operation and was on strong painkillers. After watching TV for three days straight she got bored, so she picked up the TV and threw it off the balcony of her third floor apartment. I love my aunt. MLIA.
Today, my friend and I were messing about in Art class, making bird noises like "coo" and "caw". My boyfriend's in this class, but he distracts me too much for us to sit on the same table. Everyone was ignoring our bird calls when from across the classroom, my boyfriend starts to reply, cawing back at us. He's a keeper. MLIA.
Today, I was walking my four year-old cousin home from nursery and because it was a particularly hot day, I bought her a double scoop ice cream. After 2 minutes more walking, what was left of the top scoop fell from the rest of the ice cream. In an amazing feat of agility, she somehow swung round on one foot, caught the fallen scoop and placed it back on her frozen dairy treat. A I looked at her in awe, she said quietly to herself "Wa-ha, ninja". New favourite person? Oh yes. MLIA
Today, I went to meet some Americans, and I (being British) was quite excited. About ten minutes into the conversation I realized that the Americans went to a boarding school where they study Latin and Greek, whereas my school is built next to McDonalds. I spent the rest of the day slightly confused about my place in the world. MLIA
Today, my friend and I got together at his house. I started to wear a ninja mask and he wore an eyepatch since we are on different sides of the Ninja vs Pirates war. He called ninjas "people who go around in their pajamas stabbing people with darts", while I pointed out that pirates would have trouble with even walking around because of the eyepatches and peg legs. As he left the room, he claimed that to a true pirate, depth perception had no meaning. He walked into the door.MLIA
Today I realized that I shouldn't eat Pop Rocks at work. I am a secretary and have to answer the phone a lot. Needless to say, I got a lot of odd reactions from the callers. MLIA
