My Life is What?Hilarious moments, funny jokes, and interesting stories.
(434): Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night.
Posted 43 minutes ago on TFLN
(647): Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm.
Posted 43 minutes ago on TFLN
Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML
Posted 1 hour ago on FML
(416): Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding.
Posted 2 hours ago on TFLN
Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML
Posted 3 hours ago on FML
(425): But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture.
Posted 3 hours ago on TFLN
(214): WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO.
Posted 3 hours ago on TFLN
(479): Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Posted 4 hours ago on TFLN
(775): I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
(1-775): So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Posted 4 hours ago on TFLN
Today, at work, my boss made go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML
Posted 4 hours ago on FML
Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML
Posted 4 hours ago on FML
Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML
Posted 7 hours ago on FML
Today, I was notified that the company did not give me a raise two months ago like I thought. The increase was a typo. Two months ago I wrote a thank you for the raise email to my boss. Now I get to write a check to the company to pay back my "raise." FML
Posted 9 hours ago on FML
Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML
Posted 9 hours ago on FML
Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML
Posted 18 hours ago on FML
Today, I walked in my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML
Posted 18 hours ago on FML
Today, my fiancé and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML
Posted 20 hours ago on FML
Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML
Posted 20 hours ago on FML
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
Posted 22 hours ago on TFLN
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
Posted 22 hours ago on TFLN
(515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day.
Posted 22 hours ago on TFLN
(651): Well I just put wine in my tea.
Posted 22 hours ago on TFLN
(615): Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Posted 23 hours ago on TFLN
(541): People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Posted 23 hours ago on TFLN
(214): In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Posted 23 hours ago on TFLN
(678): The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny.
Posted 23 hours ago on TFLN
(760): I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
(951): Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped.
Posted 23 hours ago on TFLN
(405): Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on.
(+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML